When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped infront of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of thecar in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy.I was a strong and happy bridegroom.This was the scene of ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, Iwent into business and tried to make more money. When the assets weresteadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was acivil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost atthe same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was morelikely to be affected by unpredictable changes.Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me frombehind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This wasthe apartment I bought for her.Dew said, "You are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Herwords suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said,"Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls." Thinkingof this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so.I moved Dew's hands aside and said," You go to select some furniture, O.K.?I've got something to do in the company." Obviously she was unhappy,because I had promised her to go and see with her.
At the moment, the ideaof divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matterhow mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, shewas a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sittingin front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together.Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slight joking way, "suppose we divorce, whatwill you do?" She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that 'divorce' was something too far away from her. I couldn'timagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all thestaff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide somethingwhile talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiledat my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.Once again, Dew said to me, "He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together." I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. "I've got something to tell you," I said.She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know whatI was thinking. "I want to divorce." I raised a serious topic calmly.She didn't seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?". "I'm serious." I avoided her question. This so-calledanswer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me,"you are not a man!".At that night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew shewanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardlygive her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated thatshe could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glancedat it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. ButI could not take back what I had said.Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected tosee. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorcewhich had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.
A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw herwriting something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I foundshe was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me,but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in themonth's time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason wassimple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and shedidn't want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, "He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?" This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I noddedand said, "I remember". "You carried me in your arms", she continued, "so,I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the daywhen we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me outfrom the bedroom to the door every morning."I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished toend her marriage with a romantic form.I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly andthought it was absurd. "No matter what tricks she does, she has to face theresult of divorce," she said scornfully. Her words more or less made mefeel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention wasexplicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when Icarried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clappedbehind us, "daddy is holding mummy in his arms." His words brought me asense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, Iwalked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and saidsoftly, "Let us start from today, don't tell our son." I nodded, feelingsomewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus,I drove to office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on mychest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. Irealized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a longtime. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles onher face.On the third day, she whispered to me, "The outside garden is beingdemolished. Be careful when you pass there."On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we werestill an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer.On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, whereshe put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. Inodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.I didn't tell Dew about this.I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, "It seems not difficult to carry you now."
She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She triedquite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All mydresses have grown fatter." I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it wasbecause she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because Iwas stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again,I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch herhead.Our son came in at the moment. "Dad, it's time to carry mum out." He said.To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essentialpart of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged himtightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind atthe last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, throughthe sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly andnaturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day.But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Ourson had gone to school. She said, "Actually I hope you will hold me in yourarms until we are old."I held her tightly and said, "Both you and I didn't notice that our lifewas lack of such intimacy."I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid anydelay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened thedoor. I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious."She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. "You got nofever." She said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew," I said, "Ican only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boringprobably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because wedidn't love each other any more.
Now I understand that since I carried herinto the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her untilI am old. So I have to say sorry to you."Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammedthe door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wifewhich was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting wordson the card. I smiled and wrote, "I'll carry you out every morning until weare old."
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