sorry ... its all my fault ...

its been a reaaalli long time since i last blogged. which is like 2 months ago? anyway it has always been a habit of mine only to write things down whenever im sad, and today is no expection.

my heart is aching, im feeling down and my mind is blank. who has the power to do these except u.

sorry im stubborn, sorry im dumb, sorry im insensitive, sorry im too self-centred, sorry im not gd enuff, sorry im not like what u tot im supposed to be, sorry i dun understand u well enuff, sorry im so immature, sorry for the things i shouldnt have done and things i should have done, sorry im so stubborn ...

i know u have given in a lot to me. always trying to do ur best. but im just demanding more and taking things for granted, thinking that u will always be there for me no matter what. i forgot that u have emotions too. i know u wont get to see this, but i hope u know i actually do care. its just that i duno how to express and i have a HUGE communication problem. hope this issue will blow over very soon, and things would be back to normal ...

oh oh ~

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

something is not quite right with me~ ....

counting down to the days im going back!

10 more days. 10 more days and i will be back!

although its fun here, but sometimes its really tiring. having to be around with people 24/7, its almost hard to breath. having always to be wary of people's feelings and always be the one that takes all the shit and crap. what the hell. i wanna be a loner sometimes. will make me more happy i guess ...

2 week le! so fast

i just finished my presentation. feeling like a free bird now. so happy! it feels really terrible when there is something bugging u. although i did a REALLY lousy job. *it sucks actually* im glad at least i tried. so fine. maybe to some people presentation means nothing to them and it doesnt stress them a bit. but it really means a great deal to me! it freaks me out. so i gonna work harder man!

anyway i gtg le. update again soon! hehe

*its freezing here*

im here! im here!

after preparing and waiting for so long ... im finally here in oklahoma!!

the weather here is great! sunny yet cooling. and the pace of the lifestyle here is so laidback. Near out hotel here, there isnt much activities that we can do here. in order to do grocery shopping, we even have to call a cab and take a 10 mins ride to the nearest shopping area. yah ... u can see how ulu the place here is. AND to make things worst. the expenses here is so darn high. just for the cab ride alone, it is already US$ 42+!! can you imagine? this is really the time to practise "auntie's style of jie jian" le. so im gonna save on everything!! haha.

well just one day here only and im already starting to miss home, miss my mom, my dad, my sisters, my baby boy, my wj and my beloved zhu peng hao yousss ...

in another 2 more days, i will be on my way to the other side of the world. so yesterday, peizhen and lailin met up with me to have a simple dinner before i leave. so glad to see them! but too bad connie couldnt make it due to exams. but its ok ... cos she promise to go out with me after im back! sentosa, clubbing, etc ... oh i couldnt wait man. haha.

after dinner, we went to a cafe and have a chat. updating each other of whats happening in our life. And to my surprise, peizhen and someone else in our clique (er hem ... u knoe who) is attached!! haha. im so happy for them! finally can see peizhen big smile and can sense her cheerfulness again. hehe. hope this lucky guy will treasure our little princess Long and treats her well.

as we talk abt each of our present r/s yesterday, we came to realized that maintaining a r/s is really difficult. Before we get into a r/s, we will dream about hopes and wonderful fairytale endings, but yet when we are in one, we will start to learn about the reality that being in a r/s is more than just having love. sometimes, being single is really much better than being in love.

Will there be someone to carry me forever too?

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped infront of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of thecar in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy.I was a strong and happy bridegroom.This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, Iwent into business and tried to make more money. When the assets weresteadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was acivil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost atthe same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was morelikely to be affected by unpredictable changes.Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me frombehind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This wasthe apartment I bought for her.Dew said, "You are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Herwords suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said,"Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls." Thinkingof this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so.I moved Dew's hands aside and said," You go to select some furniture, O.K.?I've got something to do in the company." Obviously she was unhappy,because I had promised her to go and see with her.

At the moment, the ideaof divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matterhow mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, shewas a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sittingin front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together.Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, "suppose we divorce, whatwill you do?" She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that 'divorce' was something too far away from her. I couldn'timagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all thestaff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide somethingwhile talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiledat my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.Once again, Dew said to me, "He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together." I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. "I've got something to tell you," I said.She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know whatI was thinking. "I want to divorce." I raised a serious topic calmly.She didn't seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?". "I'm serious." I avoided her question. This so-calledanswer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me,"you are not a man!".At that night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew shewanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardlygive her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated thatshe could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glancedat it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. ButI could not take back what I had said.Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected tosee. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorcewhich had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw herwriting something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I foundshe was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me,but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in themonth's time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason wassimple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and shedidn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, "He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?" This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I noddedand said, "I remember". "You carried me in your arms", she continued, "so,I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the daywhen we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me outfrom the bedroom to the door every morning."I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished toend her marriage with a romantic form.I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly andthought it was absurd. "No matter what tricks she does, she has to face theresult of divorce," she said scornfully. Her words more or less made mefeel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention wasexplicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when Icarried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clappedbehind us, "daddy is holding mummy in his arms." His words brought me asense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, Iwalked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and saidsoftly, "Let us start from today, don't tell our son." I nodded, feelingsomewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus,I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on mychest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. Irealized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a longtime. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles onher face.On the third day, she whispered to me, "The outside garden is beingdemolished. Be careful when you pass there."On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we werestill an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer.On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, whereshe put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. Inodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.I didn't tell Dew about this.I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, "It seems not difficult to carry you now."

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She triedquite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All mydresses have grown fatter." I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it wasbecause she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because Iwas stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again,I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch herhead.Our son came in at the moment. "Dad, it's time to carry mum out." He said.To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essentialpart of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged himtightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind atthe last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, throughthe sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly andnaturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day.But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Ourson had gone to school. She said, "Actually I hope you will hold me in yourarms until we are old."I held her tightly and said, "Both you and I didn't notice that our lifewas lack of such intimacy."I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid anydelay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened thedoor. I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious."She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. "You got nofever." She said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew," I said, "Ican only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boringprobably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because wedidn't love each other any more.

Now I understand that since I carried herinto the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her untilI am old. So I have to say sorry to you."Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammedthe door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wifewhich was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting wordson the card. I smiled and wrote, "I'll carry you out every morning until weare old."

i knew it!

as expected, i really didnt make it thru the last stage of the SIA interview. it was the most awful interview ever. i was like muttering thru out and basically ended every answer with a "ya". it was definatly not impressive. Though the interviewers were really friendly, but it didnt helped at all. my mind was a blank and i just couldnt speak properly. not sure whether they can even hear me speak at all. haha. but anyway, its finally over! and it is such a relief. dun have to worry about it anymore. now i can finally concentrate on doing other stuff le. hehe.

(Biwen ... if u are reading this ... dun forget my ice cream treat hor ... i cant wait man ... *slurp*)

what am i doing?

feeling kinda of empty at the moment.

was reading kl's, Hl's, dj's and some other's blog just now, and realized that everybody is busy doing their own stuff and getting on in life. life seems to be very "chong shi", but are they doing the things they enjoy? that im not sure. But im sure, im not doing things that i enjoy.

Is that why i am feeling so empty now? its seems that everyday is a routine of either studying or working or eating or sleeping or shiting. im going through things just because there is a need to but not because i want to.

i read somewhere saying that people without a goal in life is the unhappiest person to be. yah ... im definatly one of them. Sure ... i have all the gd things in life. A wonderful family, gd education and all the crap that people would have wanted. But am i really happy? No. Im contented and grateful but definatly not happy.

maybe by doing some volunteering work will help ba. i believe that will make me a happier person. cos thats somewhat my goal in life for the furture. just hope that i have the opportunity and time to do that. i really dun wanna go thru like in a motion. i would rather die.

shen ah ... qing gai wo duo yi dian shi jian

in about 2 and a half week more, i will be flying across to the other side of the earth. but yet there is still so many things left to be done. i have yet to finish doing my assignment and studying for the exam. amdist all these i still have to work and find time to prepare wj's present!! so many things to do but so little time! help help!

been too busy to blog recently. havent even got the chance to log on the net. so many things happened these few days. couldnt write it all out. just too many things to be noted. i will just have to lock them all in my memories.

yesterday night was talking with wj on the phone, and just when we wanna hang up, his sir came into the room! so sway! why? cos its supposed to be his lights out time le. haiz. so suay. duno whether its becuase of that, he seems quite upset today. quite moody. i ask him what's wrong. but he kept saying he is ok. eh hello. woman's sixth sense super zhun de. i know something is bothering him. but i couldn't help at all. so sad. hai. hopefully he will be better tml.

anyway, the job today is super boring! boring until the manager has to Create jobs for me to do to keep me occupied. my work might even go down the drain once i finsh the temp job. but its ok. cos i still get my pay. hehe.

oh yeah. and congrats to GREEN BEAN!! you finally learn how to cycle le! haha. really admire your determination sia. really my role model. next time make a big card board cut out of you for me ok?? haha

tml is another long day again!! but baby you must jia you ok!!

sunshine after rain

on fri, after the incident i was really upset. so when he msged me, i replied very coldly. telling him that he dun have to accompany me for the interview and i feel like going for it alone. he also sense that something is wrong and ask me what happen. but it was too late, i was too upset to talk about it. that night i was so upset, i even cried myself to sleep *haiz silly me*

on sat, i got up and started preparing the clothes to wear for the interview. he didnt msged me, so i assume he is either still sleeping or busy with his stuff, so i didnt bother to msg him too. about 1 hr before i was about to leave, he msged me, asking what time am i leaving the place. and after a few msges, he said that he is actually at the pool by my house already. but yet, i didnt invite him up and instead insist that he go look for his friend who lives near by. i just didnt feel like talking to him at that moment. A few msges later, he said that he is very upset about the way i am treating him and will be leaving the place to leave me alone for the day. seeing that, i instantly msged him to come up but he didnt reply. at that moment, i knew that i really hurt him le.

after that, my mom came back to fetch me to the interview. i frantically called him and asked his whereabout. luckily he is just at the busstop outside, so i insisted that he accompany me this time. after a few begging, he agreed. my mom picked him up by the road leading out of the condo. the moment i saw him, my heart nearly shattered to pieces. i can see his agony from the look on his face. i wanted so much to say sorry, but i just couldn't say it out.

anyway, we finally cleared everything (almost everything) on the way back to my house. he said he felt really upset about me turning him away and treating him so coldly. and said that i should nv do it ever again. he seems to be tearing and it broke my heart again. tears started rolling down my face and the next thing i know ... i couldn't stopped crying. i was crying through 1/2 the bus journey and at the same time telling him the reason i am upset with him in between sobs. thinking back now, its so malu, a lot of people must have been staring at me as if im some crazy woman. but at least we cleared things up after that talk. he said that he is sorry and will try to change. and i said that im sorry too for treating him so coldly.

anyway i told myself not to do this again. acting like a spoil brat doesnt solve anything. in the end, by rejecting him, im only hurting him and myself at the same time. sorry bi boo. this wont happen again le.

happy then not so happy then sad

HAPY BIRTHDAY XIAO FEN!! hope you like the birthday celebration yesterday (or rather just now). Really memorable isnit?? haha

first, we went to swensen to have dinner. where they are having a birthday promotion that entitle us to a free main course and ice cream. we didnt know about the promotion untils the manager explained to us and once he said the word 'free', we marched in without any hesitation. haha

after that, we went to hark music cafe that is opposite paradiz centre. its a ming ge chan ting where we get to chill and listen to people singing. you can dedicate songs and even sing live infront of the audience. a totally cool place to chill with friends.

the happening part of the night came when the singers knew that its xiaofen's birthday and demand her to get on stage!! of course she refused la ... so pai seh lor ... but the people there are so persistent. so bo bian all of us have to go to the front with her. in the end (after a very long discussion and dilly dally) biwen and weilih accompanied her to sing 'yong qi'. nothing can be more suitable than that! haha. well as for me ... (sorry sistas) i was sitting below with quizhi swaying with the melody cos i just refused to get on stage. =P sorry sistas ... i know i very mei yi qi ... but i will really die under the spotlight and melt under the stares of so many pairs of eyes. sorrryyyy ....

well everything was fun and we had a really great time until wj dropped by to met me. if only he didnt come then i wont get to realized it. and i wont be so upset now.

he is going to play lan with his friends at a place just a few shops away from where i am so he dropped by to say hi. anyway im about to go home at that time too, so as we are talking, im sort of hinting him to send me to the busstop. (which is like 10 mins away at a really ulu place and its really dark. ) obviously he didnt get the hint and suggested that i take a cab home. i insisted on getting the bus to save money but he says it is too dark and dangerous for a ger to walk that far. of course i know its dark and dangerous deh! but instead of worrying about my safety and walking me there, he seems more anxious about playing his game! so happily, he say bye and went off without even ensuring how i am getting home.

my heart was dripping blood as i was walking to the busstop. i was so fighten as it was really dark and quiet at 12.30 at an ulu place near little india. and furthurmore, knowing that my bf is just around the corner but he is not with me. oh great! just when i need u most u are always not around. well anyway this is not the first time that i realized gaming is more important than me le. after i reached home, my mom said biwen called to check whether im back as she couldnt reached my phone. and this hurts me more, cos even my friends are even more concern about me than he does. he didnt even bother to ask. well ... as a matter of fact ... he did ask ... some 3 hrs after i reached home and of course ... after he ended playing his game. thx ... really appreciated it. am i being too unreasonable here? i tot all boyfriends would worry about the safety of their gf if they really care? isnt it? what i want is merely some concern that is really from ur heart. some actions to show that u really care about me. not beautiful words to make me happy. i dun want that. sorry if i seems like a spoilt brat who demands attention. what i really wan is actions to prove that i really mean something in ur heart. but right until now ... all i have recieved are promises ... sorry im numb ...

xing fu

was riding the bus on the way home just now and getting really sleepy. at that point of time really wish and hope that there is a shoulder for me to lean on and let me have a really gd sleep. someone to support me whenever in times of need. i dun wan much. jus want to feel this kind of xiao xin fu. knowing that there is always someone there for me. it is also at times like this when i realized how much i miss him. at times like this when i wish how gd it will be if he is here. but oh well. i cant demand much ba. cant always expect him to be always around me. but the important thing is im very lucky to have him already, isnt it? hehe. like people always say we cant always take things for granted and regret only after losing it. presently, im very grateful with what i have already. and i hope zx will somehow realize this too. stop making kl sad le. start treating her right ba. and know how lucky u are to have her.

full ...

went makaning with yankar just now at bukit timah rd's boon tong kee. we ordered so many stuff its like having a mini 4 course dinner! personally i ate til the verge of puking le (duno about yk) ... haha ... but nevertheless the fried toufu makes everything so worthwhile yummy~

and well, today bb went back camp le ... the medical guy gave him 2 days excused lower limbs excecise cos his leg is infected! poor thing ... hai ... hope he can hurry recover *sayang*

oh no!

i have finally gotten my SIA second interview's email!! it states that im to go on sat (which is 3 days later) ... but how am i suppose to turn up in this condition? the big scar on my forehead is still far from healing, there are still cuts on my leg and those ugly-looking orh chehs! oh no!! my confidence level just went from 50% to some hopeless -100%. though wj just given me some encouragements ... but seriously ... i dun think i can make it lor ... haiz ...

just feel like it

was talking to yankar on the phone while surfing on the net a few days ago when i chanced upon this blog skin. fell in love with it. and here i am starting a blog. haha. a little silly ba. but i dun care. cos i jus feel like doing it.