I hate my thoughts! I always have dreadful thoughts. And the worst thing is, these thoughts always come true! Call it sixth sense; call it psychic, whatever … I just hate it!

I lost something important today. It’s not the worth of the item that matters, but how much it means to me. I lost it thrice. THRICE. And I was always lucky enough to get it back, but I guess I wouldn’t be so lucky this time.

I once made a wish. A very important wish with it. It’s my lucky charm. And now that it’s gone, I feel lost. Felt that all my little hopes for little miracles in my life are shattered.

Alright, I admit. I’m a very superstitious girl, too superstitious for my own good. At times it even hinders my basic judgment and behavior. It’s bad I know. But I just can’t help it. I’m not a lucky girl, so I need my little lucky charm around to make me feel safe, secure and grounded.

Now that it’s missing, I wonder whether the little little wish that I had made using all my mighty strength from my little little heart still works for me. Well … I really hope it does ……

mix feelings

ooh!! got a few news to announce!

First, *HAPPY* I finally pass my driving test!! I'm officially a class 3A driving license holder!! wahaha ... *SAD* my daddy don't allow me to drive yet ... sian ...

Second, *HAPPY* I permed my hair! A bit troublesome though, but its a great change from my usual straight hair. Hehe. ... *SAD* my jie meis say i look very auntie ... one of them even say i remind her of her mom! *angry*

Third, *HAPPY* Im going to have a long break again! If theres no changes, I should be free from Apr onwards. Unless my boss ask me to stay again, but i doubt so. And even if he ask, i cant too, else WJ is going to kill me. *SAD* I'm so going to miss the people there! My zhabo, Mr ah-lan, Mr crappy, Mr xiao lao ban, my cousin and so many many more. Hai ... I will miss all the names calling, miss the stupid lame jokes and leng xiao hua, miss the lunching ... ooh im so going to miss the gang! Dont think i can ever find such colleagues else where in the future le ...

tml im going for another interview le. duno can make it a not le. but just going to give it a try. if im offered the job, i will have to postpone my study plans. if im rejected, i will have to find a school and start studying again. Damn ... I hate making decisions! Heck la ... so I shall just let fate decide for me where i should be going next! *lazy me* hehe

stupid bus driver!

Im so freaking angry!!

Because of some ignorant driver with no common sense ...

really dumb ...

Cant she see that im standing on the steps??

If she cant see how can she drive ... i wonder??

If she CAN see then why didnt she give some warning before opening the door??

Well ... at least i can be violent once in my lifetime and squeeeeezzzzze my way into the crowd

rather than kana my leg caught in the bloody door and got a deep cut!!

Is so painful lor , I nearly fainted ...

No kidding!!

I was perspiring cold sweat and my vision was blurred ...

Luckily, I got a seat in time ... If not I will really faint i tell u!

Please ignore my ugly feet ... Jus look at the dangling skin! EEKK!

I think my whole flesh was scrapped off ....

*pain pain*

The Pursuit of Happyness

please ... please ... please watch The Pursuit of Happyness!!!

Its such a superb movie!

Touching, motivating and uplifting ...

felt so happy after watching!! hahahahahahaha!!

felt like a million bucks ...

make me realized success really dosent come from nothing ...

hardwork really do pay off (well with a bit of luck of course) ...

so all those out there who felt that they are down in the dumps ...

please dont give up!!!

wo fei le ...

let me rant!!

WO FEI LE!!

office job really make one fat ...

no kidding ...

barely working there for only 6 weeks, im already 1 kg heavier!

gosh~!

Im so going to go for a jog tomorrow morning before going to work ...

*dun gimme that look*

wanna make a bet with me? haha

change song!

Decided to change e background song to 梁静茹 "可乐戒指"


曲：Jasemaine 词：五月天 阿信



星星在天上写诗 浪漫到放肆

嘴角的吻还未湿 我还受掩饰

我调整了我坐姿 假装更矜持

你的紧张你的公式 就像个孩子


你把我喝完的可乐 来换当作戒指

轻轻套上了我手指 你问 能不能一辈子

那一秒突然爱上了你傻傻的固执


我不要你解释 我不要你发誓

我只要你记得此刻 你眼里我的样子

爱我不要解释 爱我不要发誓

这一刻到世界末日让我们一起把爱

活成最美最美的钻石


你把平凡的日子 变成纪念日

永恒变成未来史 男孩变王子

我不要有大房子 也不要大宝石

我会珍惜可乐戒指 永恒的消失

你用吃完的糖果纸 那是你的方式

默默地写下你发誓 你说保护我一辈子

那一秒突然看到了你背后的双翅


我不要你解释 我不要你发誓

我只要你记得此刻 你眼里我的样子

爱我不要解释 爱我不要发誓

这一刻到世界末日让我们一起把爱

活成最美最美的钻石 我不要你解释

我不要你发誓 我只要你记得此刻

你眼里我的样子 爱我不要解释

爱我不要发誓 从此刻到世界末日

让我们一起把爱 活成最美的钻石

你在等答案 我会对你说 YES



simply love this song to bits...

e lyrics is so in sync with the way i always feel...

not abt who in particular but love in general...

feel so in love whenever i listen to it ...

hehe

my theme song for now!!!

procrastinating

boss offered me to stay and work perm with them today.

but i rejected the offer.

i love the place, the people and my boss.

but i dont want to be stuck doing accounts and admin!!

hate it.

so i offered to stay til i find a perm job.

and my boss is really nice abt it. =)

he is a cute grand daddy kind of person,

but the rest of the people just cant see eye to eye with him.

hmm which i wonder why ...


oh yah! and today, a lady from BBDC called,

saying if i dun finish my lessons by 6 Mar,

i wont be able to take my driving test!!

im so busy with work tt i totally forgetted abt tt.

Damn It!!

left sat, sun, mon & tues.

can i finish it in time???

i dun like this feeling

my heartbeat is racing ...

my thoughts are overloaded ...

im looking hard at the menu trying to avoid a conversation ...

*shit* the waitress came and took away the menu ...

smile sweetly at you sitting across the table ...

avoid eye contact ...

started talking abt the weather, the pple at the next table, the pictures on the tablecloth ...

and slowly *silence*

look around again ...

praying for the food to come ...

brainstorming to strike another conversation ...

took a quick glance at you ...



all of a sudden, i feel so far away from you ...
we seems to be so near, and yet so far apart …



is it me? Or you? Or us?

Happi Happi Times!

Happi Happi Times!

Flowers! Flowers! This is the 2nd time i have ever gotten flowers! (sua ku).

Didnt work out with the first sender. well hope this time will be better!

present for e king from baby & me!

I have some kind of artistic sense right?

Yes of course i knew it ...

Do i look freaky or what??!!

Torture time!! wahaha! look at his wu gu face. wahaha. I have to actually hold and grab him to take a picture with me! he really hated to take pictures with me so much!!

k la k la, since its V day we still must act act a bit.

so sweet & decent ... omg cant stand it ... =P haha

V DAY

ohh ... its been such a long time since i have last blog ... ten days!! Since last week i had been busy working. work ... work ... work ... Now i finally understand why wl, bw & xf has been complaining since they started working full time and WHY wl always don't wanna go out on Sunday. Haha. Its really very taxing and tiring! Studying is still the best! So all of u out there who are still studying ... enjoy while you can! Haha.

Yeah! Tomorrow is Valentine's day! Well actually I'm not really anticipating or expecting anything la. To me its just another day. But just to join in the mood ma. Haha. For my whole life till now, I have actually only celebrated V day once. And its like ... hmm ... OMG! 8 yrs le! (Ok la ... I'm not very popular with guys i know. Haha) But its ok ... At least i get to spend V day with my sisters for the rest of the time. SISTERHOOD ROX! BEANIE GANG ROX! Too bad we have to miss spending V day together this year. But its ok, cos we made it up with a friendship day. hehe.

Anyway, hereby wishing everybody an advance Happy Valentine's Day! May those who are attached love each other more with each day, work hard to stay attached (I'm serious. R/S are so fragile these days ... ) and spend the all V day in the rest of your life with your present partner! And to those who are single, enjoy single hood now and patiently wait for the right one to come along! And I'm sure it will be very soon ... have faith!

love ... hug ... kisses ...

silly me

I have nv shed so much tears for a guy in my life before!!! And its not like he did anything wrong or he was bad to me. Frankly speaking, he is even gd. Dun understand it myself too. Maybe im having depression or what. Scary. Or im not suitable to be in a r/s, cause i worry too much le.

Today we didnt msg each other like usual. Think he must be angry with me. I was feeling terrible the whole day until he msg me in the evening. Then i know he is ok le. And i feel so much better. Imagine half a day without any contact from him and i nearly broke down le ( ok la ... a bit kua zhang la!) Cant imagine if i am without him.

Anyway im feeling much better today le (I hope). All thx to Shawn. Pei-ing me all the while yesterday. Smsing for 3 hrs!! Wasted a lot of his smses, must pay back to him some day. But i know i can nv pay him back what he has given me. Always there for me when im down and not expecting anything back in return. 10000000 X *hugs*

i REALLY wanna be HAPPY!

i wanna be happy ... i REALLY wanna be HAPPY! but why am i making things difficult for myself? why am i making myself suffer in misery when all i need to do is just don't think so much, worry so much and look on the bright side of things. To make things worst, i cause misery in people around me too. I don't want to be so complex, i wanna be simple ... as simple as possible.

tired ... mentally ...

Today had been a busy day for us. In the morning he went to get replacement for all his lost documents and cards while i went for driving lesson. After that, we met and went to chinatown to get some beading stuff and my hair treatment!! hehe. Midway we were tired and took a break at a dessert stall. I ordered mango sago and look what i discovered??

Are you thinking what im thinking?? Yeah!! These sago looks like ... eh erm ... sperms! Interesting yeah? but they really do taste delicious though. haha.

Anyway, we caught a movie after that. Happy Birthday by Rene Liu and, my laopo's hubby, Louis Koo. Actually i nv intended to watch this movie, but after Biao Yong's highly recommendation i decided to give it a chance. Haha. Its a really touching movie though. Made me cried several times.

Xiao mi (Rene Liu) relates to me quite a bit. Both of us lack of security. Like her, no matter how much i love the person i am unable to see the future. I am totally committed to my partner, but i just cant seem to trust myself 100% to him. Afraid that once i do, if he change, i will be hurt. So i will always hold back in whatever i want to do.

While we were having the dessert earlier on, i happen to ask him abt his family trip to hongkong before we met. And he confessed that he actually went with his ex instead of his family. My heart dropped for a sec. Why? cos he lied? cos i didn't know they were that close? or cos its just the sudden mention of his ex. Seriously speaking, for the time that we have been together, he never tell me much abt her. Just a bit and there. I'm curious, i wanted to know but afraid to know at the same time. So i seldom ask too. My bad. Now the effect is taking over me. Without knowing his background, makes me feel insecure. How much does he love her? How long have they been together? How long have they broke up before i came into the picture? What is the reason they didn't last? I feel lost without knowing anything. I know its the thing of the past, and what's more important is now that I'm with him, not her. And everybody has a past, so why bother to know so much? Its important to me, cos i wouldn't want to be the first runner up in his heart. Now it too late for me to ask. My bad.

useless ...

Did nothing much today. Woke up late and spend most of the time on the net. Registered with some online job search websites and was required to write new resumes with each new registration. Most of the sites have the step-by-step resume option whereby they give you instructions and examples to write your resume. Some of the criterias are to write your achievments, skills, strengths blah blah blah ... and i had such a hard time writing!!! Cos i couldnt think of any that i have! So basically i skip most of the parts and just get down to the basics. At this rate that im going and with such a lousy resume, i dont think i will be able to get a job by 18 feb. And Im going to lose the bet with WJ for sure! die ... duno what punishment im going to get for that ...

Im back!

Thx to the reminder of laogong, i suddenly remember that i actually have a blog!! And to repay her kindness i have added a tagboard at her request specially for her spam!!! hahaha

Wondering what happen during this period when im gone? Well ... to sum up what i have been doing these few months after the last post are just 3 words : Graduated. Jobless. Bumming. But dun feel sad for me, cos im actually enjoing it!! (except the hole in the pocket though)

WJ (and everyone who is sick of my bumming) has been urging me to find a job. I succumb to the nagging and did send out some resumes but seems not nobody is interested in me. *sob*

Just in case people are thinking what a lazy bum i am. NO. I am not. YES.I want to get a job too. But i just want a job that i will be enjoying doing. Which is more in the creative side i suppose, instead of marketing and stuff which is in my course of studies. Well, so im thinking of taking up a design course (much to the horror of WJ!!). He blew his top everytime i touch on this subject. He doesnt understand the need for me to waste more time and money when i just grad. He thinks tt i should just get a job and settle down. Hai ... nvm. We just have different sets of ideas tts all. At least he will not stop me from doing it if i really wants to.

Anyway, the day before was our 16 monniversary!! And he brought me to the Mexican restaurant , Cha Cha Cha, that he used to work at!

these are all mine! heh ... heh ...

And we ate a dish of Jalapeno with melted cheese. Yum Yum!

how long can this get? longer?? longer!!!

why is mine so short?

sorry ... its all my fault ...

its been a reaaalli long time since i last blogged. which is like 2 months ago? anyway it has always been a habit of mine only to write things down whenever im sad, and today is no expection.

my heart is aching, im feeling down and my mind is blank. who has the power to do these except u.

sorry im stubborn, sorry im dumb, sorry im insensitive, sorry im too self-centred, sorry im not gd enuff, sorry im not like what u tot im supposed to be, sorry i dun understand u well enuff, sorry im so immature, sorry for the things i shouldnt have done and things i should have done, sorry im so stubborn ...

i know u have given in a lot to me. always trying to do ur best. but im just demanding more and taking things for granted, thinking that u will always be there for me no matter what. i forgot that u have emotions too. i know u wont get to see this, but i hope u know i actually do care. its just that i duno how to express and i have a HUGE communication problem. hope this issue will blow over very soon, and things would be back to normal ...

oh oh ~

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

something is not quite right with me~ ....

counting down to the days im going back!

10 more days. 10 more days and i will be back!

although its fun here, but sometimes its really tiring. having to be around with people 24/7, its almost hard to breath. having always to be wary of people's feelings and always be the one that takes all the shit and crap. what the hell. i wanna be a loner sometimes. will make me more happy i guess ...

2 week le! so fast

i just finished my presentation. feeling like a free bird now. so happy! it feels really terrible when there is something bugging u. although i did a REALLY lousy job. *it sucks actually* im glad at least i tried. so fine. maybe to some people presentation means nothing to them and it doesnt stress them a bit. but it really means a great deal to me! it freaks me out. so i gonna work harder man!

anyway i gtg le. update again soon! hehe

*its freezing here*

im here! im here!

after preparing and waiting for so long ... im finally here in oklahoma!!

the weather here is great! sunny yet cooling. and the pace of the lifestyle here is so laidback. Near out hotel here, there isnt much activities that we can do here. in order to do grocery shopping, we even have to call a cab and take a 10 mins ride to the nearest shopping area. yah ... u can see how ulu the place here is. AND to make things worst. the expenses here is so darn high. just for the cab ride alone, it is already US$ 42+!! can you imagine? this is really the time to practise "auntie's style of jie jian" le. so im gonna save on everything!! haha.

well just one day here only and im already starting to miss home, miss my mom, my dad, my sisters, my baby boy, my wj and my beloved zhu peng hao yousss ...